Everything is funny if seen in a funny way, or comedians are not people who see funny things, they are people who see things funny.
I’ve told all of you about the immense problems the Immigration and Naturalization Service -- or INS -- has created for me & my British wife. One suggestion made by one of the many lawyers we’ve consulted is that we should get a divorce. I kid you not -- and to be honest we’ve seriously considered getting a divorce . Life would be easier if we were not married. I’ve thought of giving as my reasons for divorce -- or the grounds for a divorce -- incompatibility. No, we are not incompatible with each other, it is just that our marriage is incompatible with the INS. Or, as long as we are married, the INS will create problems for me, my wife & her daughters.
The latest example of this continuing saga of problems involves my wife’s daughters. There is a wonderful program that allows British citizens to come to the U.S. and gain work experience in a business. It is a short term program lasting three months to a year. The British citizen is an apprentice in an American business. Any British citizen is eligible -- but in the long list of reasons why a British citizen might be refused a Visa to the U.S. -- a list that includes communicable diseases & a criminal record -- is one reason that is worrisome: insufficient evidence that the British citizen will return to Britain. Of course my wife’s daughter plans to return to England. She has no desire to come & live in the U.S. She was born in Britain. Her friends are in Britain. Her whole family is in Britain well-- almost her whole family -- and that’s the problem as far as the INS is concerned.
Since her mother married an American citizen the INS is deadly afraid that she will come to America to work & decide to stay here forever.
British citizens are insulted by this immediate assumption made by the INS. The INS assumes that America is so wonderful that every human being on this planet would want to settle here if they could. The INS cannot conceive of a country that might be more desireable than the U.S.A. The U.S.A. is it. All other countries are pale immitations. All other counties are undesireable, they are not even a close second best. This is an insult to British people --many of whom won’t even visit the raucuous, loud, uncouth U.S.A. -- much less consider coming to live here forever. But such a point of view is totally alien to all the people who work for the INS. We’re number one -- the only place people on this planet really want to live.
I should get a divorce. If my girlfriend’s daughter wants to come to work here, that’s not a problem. If my wife’s daughter wants to come to work here she might be refused a Visa -- and once she is refused a visa the INS goes berserk: Once she is refused a Visa she will probably never again be allowed to set foot in the U.S. On her permanent record will be the fact that she was once, long ago, refused a Visa, and this sets off all kinds of alarm bells going off in the vacuous heads of Immigration officials. Oh, you’ve been refused a Visa; you must have been trying to get in here illegally. We can’t grant you a Visa Waiver because we’re sure you are trying to get in here illegally.
The best explanation I’ve heard for the irrational behavior of the INS -- and this explanation has been offered by several people who’ve heard our lengthy and bizarre story -- is that so many people sneak by the INS illegally -- so many people get in without the INS being able to do anything about it, that if anyone actually, legally, asks the INS for permission, the INS gleefully pounces on this perfectly innocent person, who is idiotic enough to ask them for permission, and denies them permission to enter the U.S. They make life hell for those who ask because they can’t do anything to those who don’t ask but just come in illegally.
The other explanation I like is one given to us by a lawyer in Detroit. He said the INS won’t hire anyone with an IQ above 70. Given how they’ve behaved with us, I’d say an IQ of 70 is high -- for most of the INS officials I’ve come in contact with.
Copyright © 2004 Henry Morgenstein