For a long time I heard people say that there are countless great books that have been written about unhappy marriages but there is not a single great book that has been written about a happy marriage.
For a long time I thought that was true. What is there to say about a happy marriage? The people are happy. What would the writer write about? Happiness?
The problem is that the dichotomy -- happy marriages, unhappy marriages -- is a false dichotomy.
There are no “happy” marriages. What the heck is a “happy” marriage. I’m reminded of my what my British wife’s aunt was afraid she would meet when she was told her niece married an American Folk dancer. She thought I would be a happy clappy chappy.
Happy marriages? They don’t exist. Marriages are the unions of two individuals each of whom is sometimes happy, sometimes unhappy. The union between the two is much more than can be said in the words “happy marriage.’
I’m thinking of my marriage, my second marriage.
It is a union of two highly independent creatures, who, in many ways, are not like each other, and in many ways we are alike.
It took years for me to work through the anger I felt when I had to adjust to another creature. For almost twenty five years I lived alone. I had to consult no other when I made a decision. I was the only adult I needed to listen to. Suddenly I was in a relationship -- a pretty binding relationship called a marriage. This other human being disagreed with me at times and we had to arrive at some joint decisions.
It took me a long time to adjust to that. When can I ask her to temper her decision & listen to my decision? How often can I ask her to adjust? How often, and in what circumstances, should I adjust?
After all I must allow her to be who she is. But then, again, she must allow me to be who I am.
Many times I insisted: I wanted to do it my way -- and later on I learned that her way was much better. I learned. I learned. I curbed my nature in such circumstances and allowed her to create the flow. She was right in certain situations.
But I could not allow her to have her way in every way. Whoever it is that I was would be erased completely. She knew that and she bent her will to mine in certain situations.
We have a happy marriage? That is not the way either of us would characterize it. A fruitful marriage? Yes. An interesting marriage? Yes. A happy marriage? At times -- but not a ha-ha happy marriage.
It is all in how it is said. Of course great books have been written about troubled marriages and none have been written about “happy marriages.” There ain’t no “happy marriages.” Happy people? Yes. Couples who like living with each other? Yes. Couples who know that they are better off sharing & learning? Yes. But happy marriages? What kind of a silly label is that?
All of life is being happy at times & not happy at others. So, too, with marriages.
Copyright © 2004 Henry Morgenstein