All of you listening to these talks about compromises in marriage must be beginning to wonder what do you two have in common. We’ve heard so much about the differences -- in temperament, in speed -- so how come you two got together?
We have, in common, a passion for dancing, the dancing most of you would classify as Folk Dancing -- Irish sets, contra dances. Before we met, separately, on separate continents, we danced many nights a week, and sometimes we traveled to week long dance camps.
But dancing is only the tip of the iceberg. To some extent the exact details are not crucial, and yet a set of similarities should be enumerated.
We like to eat. We are not overweight, but we fight a natural love of food. We are on a constant diet, and from time we just eat. That’s one thing we have in common.
We both tackle projects with a certain intensity: we focus. The rest of the world barely exists: we are into the task at hand. We joke with each other. Did you miss me dear, one of us returning from somewhere says. The other replies. Were you away? I didn’t notice.
We love the fact that we do not need to entertain the other. That is not the name of the game. You let me entertain myself, I’ll let you entertain yourself. We are good at entertaining ourselves: me, playing tennis, bicycling, writing, vegging out.
She spends countless hours on the computer. She painstakingly designs web sites, crops and alters digital photographs. She plays several instruments. She sews.
You get the point, more specifics are finally not necessary.
We both have a sense of adventure. Why not try this. Within bounds, especially at our age. But we will travel. We will go somewhere new if there is something good to do once we get there. Again, we share in common the lack of desire for a sunshine and sea vacation: BORING.
Sloppiness, but only up to a point. We are not house & garden clean, nor are we skid row sloppy. It is just that we both tend to leave things where they fall, where they end up, and we leave them there for a long time. Sometimes for a week, sometime for weeks. The item is not in the way -- a shoe, a handbag, a shirt, a magazine. The house looks okay -- and if either thinks its messy -- and it does sometimes get that way -- well let him or her clean up -- and she, or I do. We live with it because we like to be into other projects than the project called “cleaning up.” As I said, we are intensely into matters, but one thing we are not intensely into is cleaning.
We give each other a great deal of space, a great deal of leeway.
This is only a partial list -- tonight’s list -- this month’s list. There is a great deal we have in common, but we are not one person. We are two relatively assertive people -- and we are married -- and must learn, on a daily basis, to compromise.
Copyright © 2004 Henry Morgenstein