All of you know that I quote all of the time. My son once said “Is there any situation for which you do not have a quotation?”
This time I’ve decided to entertain you by seeking out the humorous quotations I found in my many-too-many books of quotations I own. All I want to do is make you laugh.
The first couple of quotations are about British people. “If an Englishman gets run down by a truck he apologizes to the truck.” AND “The British tourist is always happy abroad as long as the natives are waiters.”
Here are a few quotations about men & women: “Husbands should be like kleenex: soft, strong & disposable.” AND “Both men & women are fallible. The difference is, women know it.” And here is a slightly more profound, yet humorous quotation: “I think men talk to women so that they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them.”
Here is a quote I love about politics: “Politics is a choice of enemas. You’re gonna get it up the dot-dot-dot no matter what you do.”
Here is a comment by Joan Rivers about America: “Thank God we live in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.”
Someone else said about Americans: “There won’t be any revolution in America. The people are all too clean. They spend all their time changing their shirt and washing themselves. You can’t feel fierce & revolutionary in a bathroom.”
The preceding fits nicely with a quotation by one of the funniest writers I’ve ever read, Fran Leibowitz: “To put it rather bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel.” Which echoes the words of one woman about her Jewish husband & his lack of enthusiasm for camping: Is your guiding principal in life not to get more than a hundred yards from a flush toilet?” My answer is yes, that often does seem to be my guiding principal in life.
Finally a comment about intellectuals. “I think therefore I am is the statement of an intellectual who underrates toothaches.”
I hope I have made you laugh, or at least smile. I am not always trying to make you think. I sometimes just want to entertain you.
Copyright © 2004 Henry Morgenstein